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Nov 22, 2007

Posted by: ms.vainglorious

Ms. Vainglorious’ MySpace School for Proper Young Ladies: Part I

You want to look, but maybe you shouldn’t. You tell yourself that your little MySpace obsession is just a way to keep in touch with old friends. Yeah, right. And I’m a leprechaun with twelve toes who speaks Pig Latin and poops out quarters like a vending machine. C’mon, people. MySpace is a fishbowl; it’s a peep show and a train wreck.

Each night, it’s the same routine. You sit down with your laptop in the comfort of your own home, and begin the ritual of gaping in horror and amusement at what you just “happen” to stumble upon. And as always, this little game starts innocently enough. You’re just cruising around, checking out your friends’ profiles, and their friends’ profiles, and the friends of your friends’ friends’ profiles. And so on. And this goes on for a long while without incident. But invariably, at some point in the evening, you find yourself on your ex-boyfriend’s MySpace page. Hello old friend. And, on queue, you flutter your sweet doe eyes and wonder just how in the world you ended up here… when all of a sudden you just “happen” to notice that some blonde girly—let’s call her “Tiffany” for the sake of practicality— has been leaving flirty comments for this boyfriend-cum-jack-ass.

So, of course you’re forced to click on Tiffany’s profile and check out her comments, her photos, her friends, her layout, her age, her quotes, her music interests, etc. You can’t help but wonder why “Tiff” insists on wearing a bathing suit that’s two-sizes too small for her in each and every photograph. Is she blind? Does she have a brain tumor? Does Tiffany need a dollar for another foot of fabric? Because you could take up a collection. You wonder what exactly is wrong with this poor charity case.

Well, it’s time to stop and take a breath. You’ve just entered the danger zone, and let me tell you my dear, it’s a slippery slope. What once was a simple indulgence, is now an activity bordering on masochism—and what once was casual “browsing,” technically, is now “stalking.” You think you want to know what’s going on—and by golly, it’s your right, as a full-fledged MySpace card-carrying member, to know the whole scoop— but if you want to avoid ending a perfectly good evening in a lather of self-loathing and shame, I suggest you take notes. I’ve put together a few tips (for those of you adorable nut-jobbers who simply can’t be stopped) to keep you from losing your minds:

1. Give yourself a time limit and take frequent breaks. An egg timer works great for this—decide how much time you really want to devote to your stalking and stick to it! Priorities, ladies! Priorities! And make sure you take time out for YOU: eat a carrot stick or a cupcake—or five. Whatever it takes.
2. Whatever you do, do not leave spiteful comments on your ex’s MySpace page. This just makes you look sad and desperate—and even though you may truly be sad and desperate, you certainly don’t want your ex to know about it. Dignity, ladies! Get it. Use it.
3. Do not, by any means, leave a comment on the “other girl’s” page. This could lead to suspicions, allegations, chick fights, a hostile blog fest, and possibly, police inquiries (I’m not speaking from personal experience by the way…just pure conjecture!)
4. Take the high road. When you think about it, we’re all in this together—the last thing we need is get into petty and divisive cat fights with one another. I mean, really, why should we be fighting over some stupid guy? If this line of thinking makes absolutely no sense to you right now, just take the low road—what the heck.